My keychain looks different this week than it did last week.  And I’m not sure how I feel about that.  I know how I want to feel: happy, relieved, unconcerned.  But I’m not quite there yet.

After surgery#2 there was a period of time when I lived with adrenal insuffiency.  This meant I needed a mid-afternoon dose of corticosteriods.  So I started keeping that dose in keychain medication holder, because then it was easy to have with me.  After surgery #3, I bought another keychain like that so that I could keep pain medications with me.

At first it was just to keep up with normal post-operative pain.  And then the headaches started.  That was when I started keeping ibproufen and excedrin migraine in little bottles (they sell them in little tubes and I refill those) and my prescription pain relievers on  my key chain.  During The Headache this was necessity.  Without medication I couldn’t function.  Afterwards it was precaution.

Last week I took the keychain medication holder off of my keychain.

My headaches have been less frequent and less severe.  So I’m hoping that I will not need that level of medication.  But I’m still scared.  So the keychain with it’s medication is floating in my purse.  My unwillingness to be separated from pain medication tells me just how bad The Headache was.  I have a reason to be afraid of that kind of pain again.  I’ve lived with it once.

So, I’m still scared.  I am concerned about getting caught with a headache and without medication.  But I am also hopeful that when I next clean out my purse I might be willing to take out the prescription pain medications.

Just not today.  You see, I’m still recovering.